Lately I’ve noticed that a lot of conversations about dealing with the stresses of modern
life seem to conclude with someone advising that we should all stop worrying so much
and trying so hard, that we should go with the flow and “just live our life.” Sometimes
this is good advice, as many things are beyond our control and worrying about them will
not make any difference. And we can often be so focused on the future that we miss out
on all there is to enjoy in the present moment. But this advice has a serious downside:
“Just live your life” can lead us to turn our back on our most sacred privilege, our
ability to choose our own path. In the guise of freeing us from stress and struggle,
“just live your life” can actually have the sinister effect of preventing us from making
the most of our life. When the injunction to just live our life becomes a license not to
choose, we end up being pulled along by others’ choices, simply behaving the way we
always have in the past, passively reacting to life rather than actively creating the
life that we really want to be living. To make the most of our life, we must first of all
choose to choose—this is the fundamental choice underlying all other choices. We must
commit ourselves to the idea that there are far more possibilities than we normally see,
and then to the effort that it takes to examine these possibilities and choose the one
that is best for us. At some point, almost all of us have had the feeling of being
trapped. We may hate working for an impossible boss who doesn’t respect us, but
because we need that paycheck—and this is a lousy time to be job searching—we feel
we have no choice but to stay. We may be in a relationship with a partner from whom we
have long felt alienated, or whom we no longer love, or who treats us badly—but we stay
because we are terrified of being alone.
There are other ways of feeling trapped, as well. We may think things are actually going
quite well in our life—personally and professionally—and yet have the feeling that
something important is missing. We may realize that, objectively, we have a lot to be
grateful for, and yet feel that this realization is not enough, because nothing seems to
excite or inspire us any longer. Whether by our negative circumstances or even by our
good fortune, we feel trapped and cannot see a way out.It is at such moments—when we
feel trapped—that we must choose to choose, that we must commit ourselves to looking
for new ways to change our life—to finding within ourselves the keys that will unlock the
doors of the prison we are trapped in. This is the time to recognize that while objective
constraints may, at least in part, shape our life, the trap has at least something to do
with our own mind-set as well: Paths are almost always open to us, small or large changes
we can introduce to improve our situation. Choosing to choose means searching for the
paths that lead to