Every day, I keep a dream journal.Some people say that over time it might start making dre
ams feel like real lifeand that's dangerous...but I haven't felt that way.More than that,
people say it's a good way to improve one's mental health.But it seems like that's true of
all routines.For me, it's just fun. Reading back on it, it's like I have more memories.Dr
eams and memories are about the same thing once they're in the past, so it doesn't feel fa
r from the truth to say they really happened to you.But it's actually really hard to write
a dream journal...they slip out of your memory so easily.The details slip away from you a
s you write.You have to record them as fast as possible.Apparently professional interviewe
rs don't use words at all.They just use a personal system of simple symbols to record ever
ything.But I can't do that sort of thing....so I frequently miss days. It's difficult to b
e accurate, too....in writing my journals, I've lately had a disproportionate number of ba
d dreams. And they feel so real.Death is a given, and often I'll suffer for a long time wi
thout dying.I'll immediately wake up after death, but just before it feels like reality.Pa
in, suffering...nothing but that. Recently sleep itself has become scary, no, terrifying.S
ince I'll feel the pain of death every time I sleep...I think it's a little impressive to
keep writing dream journals even through that....maybe the way all that pain resets when I
wake upis the real motivation for my journals.Since I might really die someday.And I can
only think of one reason why I've been having all these bad dreams. That drug.Marenol.An a
ntidepressant I got hold of myself instead of being prescribed.I'm, well, depressed. I too
k the drugs I was prescribed at first, but they didn't do anything.I've done counseling, t
oo, but I never had any confidence in it.Unsurprisingly, I soon stopped medicating, and so
on I lost the will to go outside.Even leaving my room became a challenge. I stopped eating
, started collapsing and vomiting.Even though there was nothing to vomit up...heh.For bett
er or for worse, in the middle of all that, I found an antidepressant on the internet.I wa
sn't actually looking for one...Instead, while I was looking for suicide methods without a
ny intention of actually going through with it, it showed up in some automatic interstitia
l.(Is it really a good thing to stop people who want to die?)Its main effects: powerful an
tidepressant properties, mood enhancement, healing depression itself, nutritional suppleme
ntation, with a very long tail of effectiveness...nothing short of perfect.But I was more
interested in the side effect. "Dreams so bad they approach death."I was dubious of whethe
r they were actually that bad,But having "recovery" as a main effect and "death" as a side
effect is sort of win-win for someone suicidal.And dream journals had almost made bad dre
ams a little fun.And there are a lot of drugs with bad dreams as a side effect.It's hard t
o tell if the drugs actually cause them or they were happening anyway...So apparently it's
really not that big a deal.I really didn't think it would be that bad...in retrospect, I
was overconfident.I just took a bunch without paying too much attention to the instruction
s.I figured, hey, I've OD'd before.Thinking back, since it was on a suicide site...it must
have been intended for "that".Something that only people prepared for "that" would use.At
the very least, it was all true. Dreams like living hell. I die over and over again.The p
ain, no different from real life.I knew that suicide by overdose was painful, but...it was
stupid to attempt something like this.Oh god, I want to die. Or...am I already dying? Chr
ist, please.I know I said I wanted to die, but not this terribly.The worst part it...when
I'm awake, I feel fine.I'm almost sickeningly happy. It's a little amazing that it's so ef
fective I'm able to write this.But...it's all a trap. It's like the main effect is death,
and the side effect is wanting to live.It wouldn't be that bad if it was just dying in a d
ream, but...It all hurts just as much as if it was real life."Dreams so bad they approach
death"...I thought it was talking about dying in the dream.But I've heard of people dying
because their dreams felt so real their brains went into shock.So maybe it was talking abo
ut death in the real world. If so...I know I'll die that way.It feels so real, I can't tel
l how I'm still alive.Just make it either a dream or real, please...it's not like it makes
a difference.The pain of being impaled by a lance, being crushed by the ceiling, of starv
ing for oxygen as I drown...Even though it's just a dream, it's all real to me.There's not
hing I can do but wait until the effects run out.Even though it's been days since I took i
t, it's still in my system.I have no idea how long it lasts...and until then, there's noth
ing I can do but die, over and over again.But I have no other options...a punishment I inf
licted on myself.If I die, it'll be with no external injuries...no one will be able to tel
l what killed me.That's why I'm writing all this here...both my life and my dreams.Good ni
ght.